이 에세이에 틀린 부분 있나요??

아무도 안 하는 것 같으니 한번 해보겠습니다. 양이 기니까 너무 꼼꼼하게 보진 않겠습니다...

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Although South Korea, China, Japan, and the United States are notorious for being the most competitive countries in education, twice as many students in the other three countries thought it was a battlefield.

-> Although South Korea, China, Japan, and the United States 얘기를 하다가 twice as many students in the other three countries 가 나왔죠. the other three countries는 이해하기 어렵습니다.

전체적인 의미도 "4개 국가는 교육 쪽에서 경쟁이 심하기로 유명하지만 다른 3개 국가에서 두배 많은 학생들이 it이 전쟁터라고 생각했다"

-> 한번 revise를 권유드립니다.

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Moreover, Korea's public education system is based on competitive education, making it difficult for students. Three changes that should be implemented in the Korean education system are creating a more cooperative environment, reducing exams to a minimum, and providing students more freedom in choosing what they want to learn.

-> 첫번째에서 이미 competition에 대해서 말하고 있었는데 moreover, Korea's education system is based on competitive education... redundant 한 느낌입니다.

-> Three changes that should be implemented...즉 3가지의 '필요한' 변경점에 대해서 말하고자 하는데 are creating/reducing/providing...현재 진행형으로 갔죠. would make/reduce/provide로 가는게 낫지 않을까 싶습니다.

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To begin, a change that should be implemented into the Korean education system is to make students' school lives not become a competitive society. These days, our country ranks students on all tests and makes them compete with their friends for rank. If this competitive society continues, when students grow up and become adults, this misfortune may continue. Students who perform poorly in this competitive society will live in a sense of inferiority and helplessness. In conclusion, creating a more cooperative environment should be the first change in the Korean education system.

-> 에세이니까 드리는 말씀이지만 전체적으로 competitive와 cooperative라는 단어가 너무 많습니다. synonym을 검색해서 다양한 단어를 쓰는게 좋을 것 같네요.

->ranks students on all tests and makes them compete with their friends for rank. 특히 이렇게 한 문장에 같은 단어가 두개 들어가면 주로 감점 대상입니다. 처음에 ranks가 들어가있기 때문에 뒤에 rank는 빼도 아무런 문제가 없어보이네요.

-> If this competitive society continues, when students grow up and become adults, this misfortune may continue. 요 문장은... If this competitive society continues, the misfortune of daily competition may continue even after the students grow up and become adults. 이런식으로 바꾸는게 나을 것 같습니다. 짧은 문장에 콤마가 2개나 있어서 읽어보시면 어떤 의미인지 아실겁니다...에세이는 읽어보면서도 검토를 해봐야합니다.

-> 최종적으로 cooperative environment란 무엇인지, 그리고 어떻게 만드는지 등에 대한 내용이 없습니다. 지금 너무 경쟁적이고, 계속 경쟁적으로 가면 나중에도 이런 현상이 계속될 것이다... 라고만 되어있고 글쓴이가 말하고자하는 포인트가 없어요. cooperative에 대한 내용을 좀 더 쓰는게 좋겠습니다.

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Next, the improvement that can develop the Korean education system is to keep students from taking tests more than three times a month. In my experience, I took exams seven times a week in school. Studying for the exam was stressful, and all my friends were exhausted. If the reason for taking the test is used only to measure one's learning, this is not a big problem, but it becomes a serious problem when compared to other students. However, the current public education system teaches students to line up by taking exams. Their self-esteem will be lowered because they think that their academic achievement is everything. Overall, we should minimize and reduce the test.

-> Next, the improvement that can develop the Korean education system is to keep students from taking tests more than three times a month. 이 문장을 조금 바꾸는게 좋겠습니다.

Next, another improvement that could develop the Korean education system is by keeping students from taking more than three tests per month.

-> In my experience, I took exams seven times a week in school -> 한글로 하면 내 경험상 나는 시험을 매주 일곱번씩 쳤다...가 됩니다. As a student, I used to take exams seven times a week 등 revise가 좋아보입니다.

-> the를 붙일거라면 앞에 seven exams였으니 s를 붙여서 exams로 가는게 더 좋아보이네요. 아니면 그냥 studying for exams 해도 괜찮습니다. the는 특정 noun을 말하고자 할 때 사용하니까요.

-> 앞부분도 조금 바꾸면 좋겠지만 but it becomes a serious problem when compared to other students. 여기는 확실히 바꾸는게 좋겠습니다. when compared to other students는 문맥 상 시험이 다른 학생들과 나를 비교하는 목적이 되면 문제가 된다...라는 뜻을 원하시는 것 같은데 최대한 비슷하게 써보자면 but it becomes a serious problem when it's used to compare students. 대충 이런식으로 쓰는게 맞을 것 같습니다.

->However, the current public education system teaches students to line up by taking exams.

이 문장은 의미가 불명확합니다.

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Finally, improving the Korean education system requires giving students freedom in what to learn. In Korea, compulsory subjects have been set since elementary school. And when they go to high school, they let them take all the courses, although they are optional. As a result, youth friends will study for 12 years that they do not want to study with only an interest in ensuring a stable life in the future, rather than thinking about "how to live while studying what they want to do." If students study subjects that they do not want to learn, they will not use them later and will not be interested in studying. Students should learn what they want to learn so that they can develop their professionalism.

-> And when they go to high school, they let them take all the courses, although they are optional 문장의 의미가 불명확합니다.

-> As a result, youth friends will study for 12 years that they do not want to study with only an interest in ensuring a stable life in the future rather than thinking about "how to live while studying what they want to do."

여기서 youth friends...도 수정이 필요해보이고요. 그냥 teenagers라고 하면 됩니다.

전체적으로 수정하는게 좋겠습니다.

As a result, teenagers are bound to take classes they have no interest in for twelve years while they could have been studying something else to ensure a stable life in their future otherwise.

대략 이렇게 정리가 필요해보입니다.

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In conclusion, preventing from becoming a competitive society, stopping running tests more than three times a month, and allowing students to freely choose the subject they learn should be the three changes. I think there is a reason why teenagers and young people in Korea are struggling and frustrated. Korean education should change as soon as possible for the future of Korea.

-> 일단...stopping running => 수정이 필요합니다.

-> should be the three changes... conclusion에서는 인트로 및 바디에서 얘기했던걸 종합적으로 얘기를 하면서 다시 상기시켜주는 내용이 있는게 좋습니다. the three changes라고 하면 ??? 무슨 three changes? 라고 하기 쉽상입니다. 쓰는 입장에서 읽는게 아니라, 처음 읽는 사람 입장에서 읽고 써야합니다.

대략 should be the three changes to make for Korean education system. 같이 쓰는게 좋아보이네요.

-> I think there is a reason why teenagers and young people in Korea are struggling and frustrated : 나는 왜 한국의 청소년들과 어린 사람들이 고생하고 짜증나는지 알겠다....이건 단순 의견이라...에세이에, 그것도 conclusion에 쓰려면 차라리 '위에서 언급한 바와 같은 이유로 나는 이렇게 생각한다' 라고 쓰는게 낫겠습니다.

As stated above, I believe current Korean education system is built to frustrate students that they struggle for better grades everyday. 이런식으로요.

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대회라고 하셔서 최대한 보긴 했는데...

몇학년인지 몰라서 너무 과도하게 봤나 싶기도 하네요.